Chinese Restaurant

Channel News Asia currently airs a show called Chinese Restaurant on Sunday afternoons. To explain why it resonated with me, let us start with the premise of the show. At each episode, the host (who we never really see but whose voice we always hear) will travel to a place and look for a Chinese restaurant at the place. He will see the restaurant owner(s) and asks him/her/them how they got there.

At almost every episode I found myself relate to the story surprisingly easily. The story of the people who actually traveled to the new place from China is probably similar in taste as my grandparents'. As bitter-sweet as they are, what touched close to my heart was the question the host asked to their children/grand children: Do they consider themselves Chinese or, say in my case, Indonesian?

In the episode shown today, however, the story was a little different. The restaurant owner this time was "Noisy Jim". He was 16 year-old when his family moved from China to Canada. The difference this time was that we heard the story from him, not his parents.
(Another different aspect was that Jim's restaurant did NOT sell Chinese food. He sold western food like bacon and eggs for breakfast; pork chop for lunch; pie for dinner.)
What Jim had to say when the host asked his question was this: "I am me. (pause) That's how I think of it. I am me. Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, Italian, it doesn't matter. That's why my thinking never changes."

I wish I could answer the same question as confidently as Jim did. I cannot. My answer is still a shaky "A part of me thinks I am 100% Chinese, but another part of me is undeniably Indonesian." I see myself as both. And it is tough when both sides "clash". It is never fun to be stuck in the middle.

Sometimes I wonder if I am denying my origin by never bothering to re-learn the Mandarin language (I learnt it when I was in elementary and soon forgot it because I never used it). Sometimes I wonder why I am now more comfortable speaking about things that matter to me in English.

On the one hand, surely this cannot be wrong? After all, this is me.
On the other hand, what about my origin? Doesn't it matter at all to me?

Maybe I'm thinking about this in an improper angle. Maybe I should not see them as clashing or whatever. Now I understand that this apparent contradiction is natural and common in life. I can embrace it instead of fight it.

The episode ended in a rather bitter taste because Jim passed away two months after the host saw him.

All in all, I recommend this show to any fellow overseas Chinese out there. I think it captures our stories well (not too much sugar coating nor simplification).

(Edited on 5 March 2015)